


L is for Loss

by sodun



Series: Rarl A to Z [9]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crying, Death, M/M, One Eyed Carl, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 23:31:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8421898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodun/pseuds/sodun
Summary: Carl was never one to cry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> next one will be nice n fluffy i promise i dont know why i only write sad things  
> Part 12/26 of the Rarl A-Z series.

Carl was not one to cry. 

Perhaps it was because the world had hardened him, or because he felt the need to appear stronger than he truly was. Carl didn't often feel like crying, but when he did, he found himself subconsciously fighting it. Crying meant he was weak and there was no room for weakness anymore.

Carl didn't let himself cry when the Governor decapitated Herschel with Michonne's sword, or when Daryl carried Beth's lifeless corpse out of the hospital. He didn't cry when Sophia's reanimated corpse stumbled out of barn, or when he put Shane down. He didn't cry when he thought Judith was dead. He yelled and he squirmed but he didn't cry when one of Joe's men held him to the ground and tried to rape him, because there was no way Carl was going to give that _monster_ that kind of satisfaction.

When Carl lost his mom in childbirth, he cried. Sure, it was only a little, but he cried because his mother, the most important woman in his life, was gone.. However, when Carl made the decision to put his mother down, because he believed it was the responsibility of family and he knew Rick couldn't do it, he didn't cry. No, he pointed his gun to Lori's head as Maggie shed the tears he couldn't. Afterwards, when Rick cried and yelled, Carl simply stood. He showed no emotion, didn't even look at his father, just listened to Rick as he expressed his pain.

Carl cried when he thought his dad had turned, and he would have to shoot him. Though Carl had yelled at Rick's unconscious body that he would be fine without him the previous day, that night, when his father crawled across the floor to where he was sitting and Carl was certain he was a walker, Carl couldn't kill him. He cried because he was afraid, of losing his father and having to shoot him. This display of emotion wound up being beneficial. Had Carl _not_ been too afraid to put him down, he would've shot Rick even though he was still alive, just unwell. 

Carl cried when he woke up in the infirmary, his father holding his hand and a dull, intense ache in the right side of his skull. Upon lifting his hand and feeling the rough bandage across his forehead and soft gauze over his eye, memories of what happened to him came flooding back. Ron Anderson had accidentally shot Carl when Michonne stabbed him through the chest. It wasn't the pain that made Carl cry, though, or the loss of his eye. No, it was the fact that it was _Ron_ that hurt him so bad he couldn't stop himself.

Ron was the only person Carl had ever been in love with. The two never officially decided they were boyfriends, but really, they were. They kissed and cuddled and held hands and they loved each other, damnit. Ron _loved_ him. He loved Carl, and Carl loved him in a way that he didn't love anybody else. Ron made him feel complete, made him laugh again, made him feel like maybe living wasn't absolutely pointless.

But none of that mattered anymore. Ron tried to shoot Rick and, instead, got himself killed and took Carl's right eye with him. Carl didn't hate Ron for it. It was impulsive, Carl knew, his thoughts clouded by rage and the loss of his family. Had Michonne just- just taken his gun, tackled him, grabbed him and dragged him away instead of fucking _stabbing_ him, Carl would have his eye and his love would still be breathing and he wouldn't be crying in front of his dad and Maggie. Carl knew why Maggie was there. He knew she was there because she was the only one who knew about him and Ron.

"Is it the pain or the shock?" Maggie asked from his left side.

Carl didn't speak. Instead, he shook his head and looked up at the ceiling, wiping the tears that fell silently from his eye. Maggie sighed softly before giving him a sympathetic smile. She opened her mouth to speak again, but Carl beat her to it.

"Did you bury him?" Carl whispered, turning to look at Rick.

"What?" His father asked, confusion clear on his face.

"Ron. Did you- Did you bury him?" Carl repeated, sniffling softly.

"There was nothin' left for us to bury, Carl," Rick spoke bitterly, "He shot your eye out. He got what he deserved."

"No, Dad. He didn't deserve that- to be stabbed and left to be fucking eaten while he was still alive and-" Carl cut himself off with a sob, quickly covering his mouth with his hand. "He deserved to be buried, with Sam and-and Jessie."

"Why are you so worked up about this? He nearly _killed_ you." Rick asked, sounding astonished.

"You don't understand, Dad, you don't-" Carl sighed shakily, gingerly placing his hands over his face. "I _loved_ him, Dad. So fucking much and now.. Now he's dead and inside some walkers stomachs and he doesn't even have a goddamn grave for me to cry over."

Rick's eyes widened at his sons confession and he leaned back in his chair. Maggie, on the other hand, felt her heart ache for Carl. She'd spotted Ron and Carl kissing behind Ron's house not long before. When Maggie asked him about it, he told her the truth- not that he had any other option. She told Carl she supported them, and promised to keep their secret. So once she found out about what had happened to Carl and to Ron, Maggie rushed over to the infirmary. She knew Carl would need to be comforted and nobody else knew that the teens were in love.

Maggie stood up from her seat, leaning down and hugging the crying boy. "I'm so sorry, Carl," She whispered into his hair as Carl pressed his face against her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her. "He loved you. He will always love you," She murmured, her eyes filling with tears.

"This can't-This can't be real, Maggie. I need him. I need Ron. How could he do this? How could he do this to me?" Carl rambled, ignoring the pain he felt where his eye use to be as the wound touched Maggie's shoulder.

"It's gonna be okay, Carl. It will. Eventually." Maggie assured Carl, a few tears falling from her eyes. 

Carl barely heard Rick as he left the room, either to process what had just happened or to give the pair privacy. Neither said anything more, Carl simply cried for Ron and Maggie cried for both of them. Carl thought about Rick, and how he reacted to Lori's death. Rick wasn't weak for that. He'd lost the love of his life. Carl decided that, even though he was young, he was in love with Ron. 

He would move past this, Carl knew. He'd lived on after Lori's death, though he still missed her every damn day. Carl knew that it wouldn't hurt this bad eventually. Right then, though, in the infirmary.. The pain in Carl's chest was worse than any pain he'd ever felt.

So Carl let himself cry.

**Author's Note:**

> i kind of fell in love with the idea of maggie & carl being bffs after the s7 premiere so i wrote abt it


End file.
